Coffee and My Teeth

11 Nov

First of all, this.


How amazing is coffee, right?

The dentist once told me I should lay off the coffee, that it stains my teeth and whatnot. I respectfully declined.

Anyway, I went to the dentist on Friday. It was bad. Again.

I have the worst teeth in America. They’re trying their darnedest to ensure I have a full set of dentures by the time I’m 50. Let me assure you that I have the utmost dental hygiene habits. I brush my teeth, on most days, three times. I floss daily. I use a prescription fluoride treatment before bed. I visit my meanie of a dentist every six months.

But every six months, without fail, I have at least one cavity.

Oh if only I could breeze in, get a nice gentle tooth polish and go home, swinging my free toothbrush and floss in the cute little bag with the anthropomorphic dancing tooth on it. Nope. I have to stay an extra hour and get shot up with Novocaine while two people attack my mouth with power tools.

So on Friday, after I got my cleaning done the dentist comes over all like “Hello Stefanie, how are you today?” And I’m like “I’m ok, but I’d be much better if you tell me I can walk out of here without any cavities”. And the man actually CHUCKLES.


Apparently the hygienist who cleaned my teeth and did my X-rays had betrayed me by secretly noting which of my teeth she thought had cavities, and leaving that information on a post-it for the dentist to see. Ugh! I see all that bonding and chatting we did about our kids earlier meant nothing!

I whined a little bit (as I always do) about how unfair it is that I have such a strict oral hygiene routine and I still get cavities. At that point there was some discussion among the doctor and hygienist that perhaps I’m not flossing correctly.

Say what, now? Is there more than one way to jam a string between two teeth?

Well doctor, I was thinking perhaps you aren’t putting on your pants correctly. Cause we all do it another way.

Whatever. Just fix the teeth.

So yes, 2 more cavities. Off we go to the procedure room in the back. Laying back in the chair I’m forced to stare at this toothpaste advertisement poster that they have attached to the ceiling. It’s of this pretty woman with the whitest, straightest teeth you’ve ever seen. I hate youI think.

Every time I come home all numb in the face and crabby I always toss up my hands and say “Forget it! I give up! Why bother? I’m just going to gargle with Dr. Pepper and see what that does.” But I can’t sleep unless I floss, so I keep doing it. Not that I’m doing it the right way anyway.

Anyway, I’ve been thinking, and I’ve found some good news. Someday soon all my teeth will just be pure fillings. There will be no more natural tooth components left, thus no more cavities!

My next appointment is in May 2013. Hear that, cavities? You have nearly six months to settle in, better get started. I’ll help you out by pounding you in further with my sloppy flossing techniques. Happy eating!


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