Cricket Match

17 Jul

Are fearless crickets a Texas thing? Or have they developed a need for diplomacy with the humans over the last several years? Until I moved here, my only contact with crickets was hearing them chirp from afar at nightfall during summer. “What’s that? Aw, the crickets are chirping! Let’s go roast s’mores!”

Then I laid eyes on one. I am embarrassingly terrified of bugs, and was not at all pleased at what these things look like. One tiny step up from a roach, basically. You’d think I’d be able to handle my bugs better since I grew up in the palmetto bug capital of the world, but no. I know they smell my fear a mile away, and think it’s just hilarious to taunt me. “Hey look, she’s scared! Let’s jump in her hair!’

I’ve posted before about being cornered and harassed by crickets. It was gang violence at its worst. Well it happened again (twice) at the gym. The first time I was in a group exercise class and a cricket comes jumping up to my mat. My mission at this point becomes to kill it without getting close enough to touch it (or to give it access to my hair). I swipe it with my towel which gets me nothing but a few pleas to not kill it from bug lovers in the room. Why me, nasty cricket!? There were 25 other people in the room! Jump over to one of the bug lovers and lay in her hair, she’ll probably let you do pilates right along with her. The instructor tried to stomp it with her shoe, but was stopped by more cries from the gallery to let it live. Some bug activist finally got up and removed the thing, with her bare hand, UGH. The same exact thing happened in the same class about a week later. This time the instructor quickly squashed it with her shoe before anyone was the wiser. You go, girl! No word on whether it was the same cricket as the week before, but if it was, you have to agree he had it coming to him, being back in that same room.

Well today I was hunted again. I was in the car, after taking my son to his dentist appointment, and he said “Mama, look! A bug!” Those dreaded words. Somehow instead of running the car off the road and melting down, I keep it together. “Oh, where?” (Keep it casual, the kid’s watching) He points up. “There!”

I look up and see this.

Image

There was a long moment of sheer panic while my brain struggled to determine what side of the glass he was on. Outside. Heart rate slowing. I’m going to live. We ride for a few minutes while my son chatters away with Mr. Cricket and I try to pretend I’m cool with him being there. We stop at a light and I look up. Is he…glaring at me? Has he come to avenge the death of his loved one from the gym?

I decide rather than going straight home and letting Gym Bug’s Avenger corner me in my garage, it’s safer to take a detour and try to lose him. We drove to the grocery store and ran inside. By the time we came out, he was gone. I know this stare down was a horse-head-in-the-bed message from the crickets. “Watch your back, we know where to find you.” Shudder.

UPDATE: So apparently this guy is a grasshopper, not a cricket. Great, now I’m gonna have the Grasshoppers mad at me too.

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2 Responses to “Cricket Match”

  1. Michelle July 19, 2012 at 7:43 am #

    Ok, I loved this blog. It had me totally cracking up. But, I must point out that that bug in the picture is not a cricket! It is a grasshopper!

    • Stefanie July 19, 2012 at 7:57 am #

      Oh no, really!? So does this mean the grasshoppers work for the crickets? They send them to do their menial scare jobs!

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